Akatsukimis
by This-is-Blasphemy
Summary: The Akatsuki in the Christmas Carol, together as one, maybe... sortof.... not yet... Rated: T For Hidan's mouth... and random other character's mouth.
1. Chapter 1

The Akatsuki Tale

An Akatsuki Story by:

Tobi, Deidara, Sasori, Konan, Pain, Kakuzu, Hidan, Itachi, Kisame and Ze**tsu.**

There once was a boy named Naga-

"Shut up Tobi!" Pain shouted.

Anyways as I was saying, There once was a boy named... Pain... he originally believed in the power of Santa Claus, but as life progessed, and as most children, he stopped believing in the power of Santa Claus, or in the joy of Christmas.

"What the fuck?" Hidan whispered. "Why do I have to be this Bob Cratchit kid?"

"Shut up Hidan."

"No you shut up Kakuzu! Or should I say Ebenezer Scrooge?!"

"But I'm not playing Scrooge... Pain is."

"What? But you were...?"

"No."

Ahem. Anyways, as I was saying, Pain. He is.

"Scrooge?!" Hidan shouted.

Kakuzu dragged Hidan off the stage.

"Why don't we just start this...play, Tobi?" Konan asked.

"Wait! I have a question!"

"What is it Hidan?" Tobi asked.

"Why the fuck isn't Kakuzu Scrooge?!"

"Because... even if he was shown his future he would never ever change." Pain stated.

"But why am I Bob Cratchit?!"

"Because... I actually do not know..." Pain stated.

"And why the hell is Konan my wife?!"

"I don't-what?" Pain asked.

"Why. Is. Konan. My. Wife?!"

"..." Pain blinked, then stared at the producer of the show, Tobi.

"Tobi, I have a problem with this script."

"And why the hell is Kakuzu's character dead? It makes no goddamn sense seeing as Kakuzu can't die...and his character is dead..."

"Where are you going with this Hidan?" Kakuzu asked.

"I don't even know anymore!"

"But, Tobi, I also have a problem with this script. You see, I don't give advice for free."

"Guys, in the spirit of Christmas lighten up." Konan stated. "Oh, Hidan, in the script, your not a complainer, I am."

Hidan gaped. "But... complaining is my character..."

"Konan! I refuse to have you be this person's wife."

"Person?!" Hidan shouted.

"Oh boy... It seems that we came at the wrong time..." Itachi said.

"Your right. Tobi? Why am I a nice character?" Kisame asked.

"Yeah, and why am I crippled?" Deidara asked.

"Well, senpai, um you seem to lose the most limbs, so it seemed fair." Tobi stated.

Deidara twitched. "Tobi!! I'll kill you!"

"With what? Clay?"

"Suffocation!"

"...Um Can we get to the play?" The only person happy with her characters, Konan asked.

"Nobody even wants to do this play, Konan." Zetsu stated.

"Well, I do." Konan replyed.

"Hell no! You are not going to be a housewife to anyone but me!" Pain shouted.

"Excuse me? If I want to be a wife, I think its up to me who I marry don't you think?"

"But why Hidan?!"

"I'm not marrying Hidan, you stupid idiot! Besides I have another part in this play. I'm the ghost of Christmas Past."

"You are? So I get to see you in the play? You'll be by my side?"

"Yes, yes, and yes, you weirdo."

"Wait, don't I have a fiancee?"

"You did... until you became obssessed with money..."

"Well, who plays her...?" Pain asked, hoping it was Konan.

Konan coughed and pointed at Deidara.

Pain fainted.

"Wait, what? Since when was I playing a girl?!" Deidara shouted, while squeezing harder on Tobi's windpipe.

"Since you looked so much like a girl, Deidara, brat." Sasori stated.

"Well..." Deidara finally released Tobi's neck, who passed out from lack of air. Deidara took out the script, and flipped through the pages. "Hahahaaha! Look who plays my future husband!"

Hidan looked at the script too. "Hahaha! At least I get a hot girl!"

Deidara glared at him. "What? Are you saying I wouldn't make a hot girl?!"

Hidan nodded. "You shouldn't be wanting to be a girl at all!"

"At least I have looks!"

Hidan glared at him.

Sasori finally looked at the script. "Oh please god, do not have us kiss...."

Hidan laughed harder at that. "Hahaha."

Sasori too fainted.

"Wait... We can't do the script now..." Konan stated.

"Why not?" Deidara and Hidan asked.

"Because "Scrooge", "Narrator" and "Ghost of Christmas Present" passed out." Konan pointed at them.

"Ooooh..." Hidan and Deidara said.

"And it's all because of Deidara being a girl... this is either a sign they dislike crossdressing, or they passed out from imagining it... and also for Deidara choking the narrator to death." Konan stated.

"Well, Kakuzu can be Scrooge. I can be that Marley fucker." Hidan stated.

"Sorry. No can do." Kakuzu stated.

"And why not?" Hidan asked.

"Mainly because I already memorized my lines while you two idiots destroyed the play." Kakuzu said.

"You asshole." Hidan said.

Kakuzu shrugged. "Plus, Tobi was already starting the play when you two jumped in. So the fact is, the audience has already left."

"We had an audience?" Hidan and Deidara asked.

"We did. Yes." Kakuzu said.

"Well, shit then." Hidan said.

"Yes! I can go home now!" Deidara jumped with glee.

"**Not so fast**" Zetsu said. "You have to clean up your fallen allies." Zetsu said again. "**And also pick up the equipment.**"

Deidara pouted.

Hidan pouted.

"Well, Kisame shall we head out then." Itachi said.

"Yep, it's too bad about the play, I would have loved to be this Mr. Fezziwig."

"And me the nephew of Scrooge... Fred."

Itachi and Kisame left the room.

"Sigh, Well, see you boys." Konan stated as she too left the room, dragging an unconcious Pain behind her.

Deidara sighed as he grabbed Sasori and tried to carry him outside.

"Why don't you just use clay to carry him?" Hidan asked.

"Good idea, who would've thought you had ideas, let alone thoughts..." Deidara said.

"You want to go punk?! Jashin would love for me to sacrifice your body to him!"

Deidara looked, disgusted, and shocked.

Hidan picked up Kakuzu and left the room.

"Wait, what about Tobi!? Hmm?!" Deidara used clay to make a bird to carry Tobi and Sasori out of the room.

"**So much for cleaning the props...**" "Tell me about it, we didn't even rent the place...""**Oh well, let them pick up...**" "What about the guards in the closet? Shouldn't we release them?" "**Wouldn't they be dead by now?**" "What do you mean?" "**Well, it has been a week....**" "Still we should check..."Zetsu walked to the closet, he opened the door and... "**Yep, they're dead.**" "Let's leave." "**Yes.**"

The End?

No.

See you for part 2. :P If you like it. Review please?


	2. Chapter 2

"Alright... Let's try this again shall we?" Pain asked. But unfortunatly the only two members paying attention to him were Konan and Itachi. Kakuzu was counting money...again... Sasori was busy fixing a puppet, again... Hidan... was absent..thank God.. Deidara was busy being annoyed to death by Tobi and Zetsu was...

"Where is Zetsu?... And... Hidan." Pain asked.

"...Hidan said that he must make sure that Jashin is happy before he does anything..." Konan answered.

"And Zetsu?"

"..." They both shrugged.

"Sempai! Sempai!!" Tobi's annoying voice rang through his ear.

"Shut up! Tobi! Un!" Deidara replyed.

Pain glared at the two. The glare went unnoticed.

"Sempai! Sempai!!"

Deidara's eye twitched. "I swear to God Tobi, un if you don't shut up this instant 'Sempai' will be the last thing you say! Un!"

"But Sempai!!"

"Tobi, un!"

"What if I say Deidara-_sempai?_ Then sempai wouldn't be the last thing I say!"

Deidara snapped. "Katsu!" He blew up the spot where Tobi was currently seated.

"Hahaha! You have such a short fuse Sempai!" Tobi said from behind Pain's head.

Now it was Pain's turn to twitch. "Tobi, get in front of me, now."

"But if I do that, leader-sama. Deidara-sempai will kill me!" Tobi whined.

"You idiots are extremely irritating this morning you know that?" Sasori asked, not looking up from his puppet.

"You better not have included me in that statement, Sasori." Pain stated.

"..." Sasori didn't answer.

"Hey, Danna!"

"What is it, Brat? I'm busy."

"Pain asked a question, un."

"You idiot, that wasn't a question, it was a statement." Sasori replyed.

"So?! At least my art is better, un!"

"Your definition of art, brat, is different than mine."

"Art is fleeting, un."

"Eternal, brat."

"Fleeting, un!"

"Eternal, brat."

"Fleeting, un!"

"Eternal, brat."

Pain put a hand to his forehead. _And so the headache begins... and Hidan isn't even here to start it first..._

"Fleet-"

"Eternal, brat."

"You didn't even let me fin-"

"Eternal, brat."

"Hey! Not cool-"

"Eternal, brat."

Deidara's eye twitched.

"Hey, sempai!" Tobi called.

"What is it now, tobi, un?!"

"I don't think Sasori-san is listening to you."

Deidara blinked. "Hhmph!" Deidara walked over to Sasori, who was still saying eternal, brat. "We'll see abou-"

"Eternal, brat."

"Gah! Danna, pay attention, un!"

Sasori finally looked up. "What is it now, brat?"

"Danna, you stopped paying attention in the middle of our argument, un!"

"I hardly would call it an argument, if I'm right."

"Sempai! Sempai!!"

Pain snapped. "WILL EVERYBODY JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR LEADER?!"

They all looked at him.

"Finally-"

"Hey, Kuzu! Look what I found outside!" Hidan walked inside.

_Oh great, headache got worse..._ Pain thought. "Alright, now are we ready to-"

"Oi! Kuzu, you fucker! Look at what I found!" Hidan shouted.

"Hidan. Why are you carrying a bat?"

"I told you I found it!"

"It's the morning. Did you go in a cave or something?"

"SHUT UP!" Pain shouted again.

"Hehe, Look what you did Kuzu, you got the leader pissed." Hidan said, while he sat down.

"Pain... calm down..." Konan stated, slightly nervous.

"Anyways. As. I. Was. Saying. Don't you fucking start to talk Deidara!"

Deidara shrunk into the background, at the mention of his name and the tone of voice it was used in.

"Hidan! Stop your irritating crap and pay attention!" Pain shouted, as Hidan was poking Kakuzu with the bat.

"We. Are. Here. To. Continue. From. Yesterday. Where. Tobi, stop bothering Deidara and pay attention!" Pain shouted at Tobi.

"Do you want me to talk, Pain? They listen to me." Konan asked.

"....Yes please." Pain said.

"Alright. Everybody? May I please have your attention." Konan asked.

Everybody stopped what they were doing and looked at Konan expectantly.

"As Pain-" At the mention of Pain's name, everybody started grumbling.. Deidara grumbling a He yelled at me. Tobi repeating Deidara's words, only adding ...for trying to help sempai.. and Hidan grumbling He hates me. The last being more of a whine than anything.

Konan sighed and looked at Pain, who was glaring at Hidan.

She tried again to talk to the gang.

"Guys..." Once again, all eyes were on her. "As we all know, Christmas is coming up and... well... quite frankly... none of us has shown much of that Christmas spirit... so me and P-" Groans. "Me... want to set up our own version of the Christmas Carol so please cooperate with us..." She smiled and the room lit up like an angel. All the men reacted differently to this and her words. The first is Itachi.

He just kept looking at Konan, making no intention of revealing his inner desires. "I have plenty of Christmas Spirit..." He mumbled, looking like the self composed asshole he was.

The second, Hidan.

Hidan sighed, quite loudly. Earning himself a glare from Pain. "Beautiful..." That earned him a punch from Kakuzu to watch what he said.

The third, Kakuzu.

Kakuzu was busy counting money when she smiled so he had no reaction. "Whatever..." He then proceeded to punch Hidan.

The fourth, Tobi.

Tobi jumped up and hugged Konan. "That was beautiful, Konan-san!" That earned him a glare from Pain as well.

The fifth, Deidara.

Deidara had his mouth open. Sasori told him he was drooling, which caused Deidara to start yelling and attempting to fight with him. "Shut up, un! I am not drooling!"

The sixth, Sasori.

Sasori... had the same bored expression on his face as always. "You're drooling, brat."

The seventh, Pain.

Pain couldn't stop staring at Konan. But he did because he must protect his girl. So he turned to look at each member and glare, accordingly, at who stared at her, who gaped at her, who ignored her. So quite frankly, no one was safe from the glares.

Konan's expressions changed rapidly from the looks she was receiving and the hug she received from Tobi. They went from smiling to frowning. She knew she failed in getting their attention.

Zetsu decided to grace them with his presence at that moment though, and Pain remembered that Kisame was also absent. "Where's Kisame?"

"**Damn him... not even caring about us...**" "Please be quiet, He is the leader..." "**But still...**" "Pain-san... Kisame said that he was not going to be participating in today's events..." "**But then we mentioned that Itachi was participating in today's events so he is on his way.**" "...Yes... that information is correct..."

Itachi looked up at the mention of his name and sighed.

"Well. As Konan put it we are indeed going ahead with the plan." Pain said.

"What the hell's the plan again?!" Hidan yelled.

"It's called Shut up. Ever heard of it?" Pain asked, as calmly as he could muster at this point.

"What was that you fucker?!" Hidan shouted back, getting to his feet.

"Calm down." Konan said. "One outburst from Pain should be enough to silence you."

Hidan glared at Pain, but sat down anyways.

"Good. Now the plan is. To show some Christmas Spirit and perform this play to the best of our abilities." Pain continued.

"But I don't even celebrate Christmas..." Hidan mumbled.

"Too bad. You're a member of Akatsuki therefore you celebrate whatever **I **want to celebrate." Pain stated.

"I don't fucking care! This Jesus person you Catholics and Christians put so much faith in is not coming back!" Hidan countered.

Pain raised an eyebrow. "I suggest you shut your mouth. Hidan."

"No! You Heathen bastard! I will not shut up!" Hidan yelled.

Pain sighed. "Kakuzu. Control your partner."

Kakuzu looked like he wanted to kill either Pain or Hidan. "Hidan. Shut up."

"But Kuzu! He's making me celebrate a holiday I don't celebrate!"

"Stop calling me Kuzu. Hidan."

"Fuck no! I will call you whatever the hell I want to!"

"Hidan. Shut up."

"....Fine." Hidan pouted.

"Sempai. Do you celebrate Christmas?" Tobi asked.

Deidara glared at him. "Of course I do, un! What idiot doesn't celebrate Christmas, hmm?!" He glanced at Hidan. "Oh yeah, un."

Hidan glared at Deidara. "What was that?"

"Nothing. Un." Deidara said, feigning innocence.

"I'll fucking sacrifice you to Jashin-sama, one of these days, Deidara."

"Oh no, I'm so scared." Deidara said, sarcastically.

Hidan took out his spike. Deidara's eyes widened.

Hidan smirked. "Oh yeah, you heathen, today's the day."

"Ah!" Deidara hid behind Sasori.

Pain sighed. Itachi was examining the outfit he had to wear. Kisame was doing the same. Zetsu was examining the plants they were using as props. Konan was making pretty origami birds. Tobi was bothering Kakuzu. Kakuzu was going to kill someone today, he just knew it.

"Deidara. Please get away from me." Sasori said.

"But danna! He's gonna kill me, un!" Deidara shouted in Sasori's ear.

"Don't use me as a shield. You got in this mess. You fix it." Sasori moved away from Deidara.

"Fine, I'm sorry Hidan! I didn't mean anything about my comment, un!"

Hidan stopped. "Fine, you're forgiven for today, asshole."

"Yeah!" Deidara jumped up and down because he managed not to get sacrificed... again.

"Sempai?"

"What is it Tobi, yeah?" Deidara said, to happy to remember that Tobi irritated him.

"How many times has Hidan-san tried to sacrifice you?"

"...89...?" Deidara said, unsurely.

"It's 90, brat." Sasori stated.

"Fine, un. 90." Deidara said.

"...Pain? What are we going to do now? They won't listen to you, and I failed..." Konan asked.

"...I don't know... Itachi! Your turn. Get their attention for me." Pain ordered him.

Itachi stared blankly at him. "Leader. Even from me that's impossible."

"Just try!" Pain shouted.

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Alright..." Itachi turned to Kisame. "Kisame."

"Itachi?"

Itachi nodded and turned to stare blankly at Kakuzu.

Kakuzu glared back at him. "What is it? You're disturbing my counting."

Itachi again nodded, then turned to stare at Zetsu.

Zetsu had to different reactions. "What is it Itachi?" "**Fool! Don't stare at his eyes!**" "...Right..." Zetsu turned away.

Itachi shook his head and turned to stare at Sasori.

"Go away." Sasori said, and then looked back at his puppet.

Itachi shook his head and then looked at Deidara.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! THOSE EYES!!!! LOOK AWAY!!! UN!!!" Deidara closed his eyes and ran. Straight into the wall.

Sasori sighed. "Idiot."

Itachi frowned and looked at Hidan.

Hidan growled menacingly and slowly took out his spike.

Itachi took that as he had Hidan's attention but at the same time didn't. He turned to stare at Tobi, to find that he was trying to resurrect Deidara.

Itachi turned back to Pain. "Only 3 payed attention to me."

Pain frowned. "Dammit."

Konan looked at Pain. Pain looked at Konan.

"Pain?"

Pain looked at the remaining members. _Kakuzu would be no help...Hidan...if he talks they would all zone out... Sasori is to busy with his puppet... Deidara has fainted... Tobi.. is an idiot... That leaves Kisame and Zetsu..._

"Zetsu!" Pain shouted.

"Yes?" "**Fool! He just wants you to get their attention! For him!**" "..Well.. we might be able to help..." "**Do you want to?**" "..Not really..""**Then it's settled.**" Zetsu turned to face the leader. "I apolegize, but I must decline." "**Hell no.**"

Pain sighed. "Fine, Kisame!"

"Yeah?"

"You are our last hope!"

Kisame grinned. "I have a way to get everybody's attention."

Kisame turned to Sasori. "Sasori, if you agree to participate in this play, then I will tell you where Deidara hid some of your puppet parts."

Sasori glared at him. "You know where they are?"

"Yes." Kisame nodded.

Sasori nodded aswell. "Fine..."

Kisame turned to look at Tobi. "Tobi, if you can pay attention for the time spent working on this play, Deidara will play with you."

Deidara's eyes snapped open. "What?!! Un?!"

"Yay!!! Sempai, let's play Hide and seek!" Tobi jumped up and down.

"Tobi?" Kisame questioned.

"Yes?" Tobi said, turning his full attention to Kisame.

"Good. Now Deidara, pay attention and I'll tell you where Tobi put your clay." Kisame said.

"What, un? Tobi was the one who stole my clay?! God dammit!" Deidara yelled.

"Jashin dammit, dipshit!" Hidan shouted.

"Whatever, hmm!"

"Alright... Hidan... Pain will give back your Jashin related book... if you pay attention." Kisame stated.

"Jashin damn you, Pain!" Hidan shouted. "Fine, now Pain! Give me my book!"

Pain glared at Kisame. "He reads out loud, so Kisame, you can be next to him, when he reads." Pain gave the book to Hidan.

Kakuzu growled. "Dammit... Pain why didn't you burn it like I told you to?"

Pain shrugged. "I forgot..."

"How the hell can you forget, I just told you this morning."

"..I...um... I have no reason to tell you." Pain said.

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?" Kakuzu turned to Hidan. "Hidan? Read him a section of your book."

Hidan smiled. "Sure thing Kuzu." He opened the first page. "Jashin was born around the same time as any ordinary baby of his time. But then again, Jashin isn't any ordinary baby-"

"Oh my god, just stop talking, this is just as bad as the bible!" Pain shouted.

"Do you still have no reason to tell me?" Kakuzu said.

"Fuck. Fine. I was just trying to please my woman, but it seems with you people that is fucking impossible!" Pain shouted.

"So can I continue?" Hidan asked hopefully.

"Shut up, Hidan." Kakuzu and Pain said together.

Hidan pouted.

"So are we going to make this play happen?" Kisame asked.

Sasori nodded.

Itachi nodded.

Kakuzu grunted.

Hidan made no movement or noise.

"Un." Deidara said.

"If sempai wants to, I will!" Tobi shouted.

"I guess..." "**Fuck, I don't want to, but I guess I have no choice.**" Zetsu stated.

"If Konan still wants to." Pain stated, hoping Konan will say she doesn't want to.

Konan was shouting. "Yayyayayayayayayayay!!!!!!"

_Dammit. _Pain thought.

_Damn Women. And their constant needs. _Sasori and Kakuzu thought.

_But I don't wanna be a girl... _Deidara thought.

_Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, I hope we get to eat some chocolate. _Tobi thought.

_I'm gonna fucking sacrifice Pain if it's the last thing I do. _Hidan thought.

_Yay! I'm so happy, we are going to do A Christmas Carol! _Konan thought, happily.

Itachi's thoughts are not available at this time.

_I wonder what Itachi's thoughts are.... _Kisame thought.

"So.. when are we starting this play...again, Konan?" Pain asked.

"Right now." Konan said.

"Dammit." Everyone but Pain said.

"Fuck." Pain said.

THE END

Chapter 3 coming soon.

Sorry, They didn't start the play this chapter. They will... eventually... when they can concentrate and not rip each other about for more than 5 minutes. And I mean't no harm about religion. And I am going to make them do the play even if I have to be in the story. Also, review and let me know what you think. Also, I thought I would add something funny before I royally fucked up A Christmas Carol... Enjoy.


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